LIBERTY X – Just a Little
You’ve got to hand it to Tolstoy. If it weren’t for him harping on about that whole “In our world everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself” thing - then Liberty may never have changed their name to Liberty X at all. This would have of course generated a lot of problems. Mostly – we would never, ever have seen this video. Now from the sexiest video of all time, to the unsexiest video of all time – Just a Little. Sewn into their pleather catsuits like a bunch of incontinent Olivia Newton Johns, Michelle Heaton, a woman who may or may not be called Jessica, and some other blokes dance around a mansion, with hats, canes, and ‘charisma’. We’re sure you all remember due to that breakthrough with your therapist a few weeks ago, but what you may not remember is that the video ACTUALLY ATTEMPTS A SPY-BASED SUB PLOT. The band, in a concerned manner go about looking through blueprints, hawking alongside walls, and walking through doors straightening their jackets suspiciously. Unfortunately, whatever they are trying to achieve doesn’t seem to materialise, so they just go about dancing in their pleather catsuits instead. Pssh, sounds like a bunch of pretentious Oscar fodder if you ask me.
Spice Girls – Headlines
Cheers for this one, Charles Darwin.
Once upon a time, there was some sort of post-modern breakdown in the mid 2000s, where everyone gave up on the prospect of not wearing malleable trousers, or listening to bands called ‘The Arctic Monkeys’ – and begged furiously for all their favourite pop acts to come back instead. More specifically The Spice Girls, who apparently hadn’t given their fans enough closure despite a song entitled ‘Goodbye’ and Geri Halliwell literally burying her self in one of her solo videos. (This vague recollection is a lie. The song was called Look at Me, it was fucking amazing, The trumpet portion in particular, a delight) Eventually, this actually happened, despite Mel C being somewhere between lesbianism and clarity. Not that it matters, nothing beats nostalgia, right? In their glorious return – the five piece reunited and appropriately updated their ‘sexy’ look, releasing the most windswept of windswept photoshoots, and simultaneously destroying Shania Twain’s entire career as a result. Then came the comeback single to be the proverbial cherry on top of their obligatory greatest hits album – INCREDIBLY called ‘Headlines’! No doubt a subtle dig to those pesky tabloids that have been hording their private lives for the past couple of years, right girls? You’re secret safe with us. Next up – was of course the long awaited reunion video. Just like every noughties ironic nostalgia piece turned SENSUAL (Examples include; Take That, Christopher Nolan’s Batmans series, Amanda Holden’s slightly more subtle layers) where the five of them sat in a dark room, and Geri Halliwell just sods everything, and gets topless, writhing against a wall. Nobody else is, or at any point, gets topless. Okay, Mel B does a bit, but how is that relevent to anybody? Last thing to point out was that this was supposed to be the official video for 2007′s Children in Need. Erotic. No, Mel C. You have to wear a pant suit as punishment for being a lesbian in the 90s.
Victoria Beckham – Let your Head Go
Whilst I’m on the topic of The Spice Girls, it’s important to have a quick sift through the momentous crock of shit which was the back catalogue of solo careers. Apart from Mel C’s. Mel C’s was amazing. Even that song that the Appleton sisters rejected. Amazing musician. On to Victoria Beckham however, who had her work cut out once it transpired that a musical collaboration with Dane Bowers couldn’t even secure her a Number One. As such, her next solo attempt involved going on to Top of the Pops and asking viewers at home to vote on which music video she should release next from her double A-side. (*Rejects the available breast joke*) The choices were between a shit song called This Groove which was shit and rubbish – or THIS. Check out Victoria Beckham’s head photoshopped on to that of a bird. Go on, treat yourself. You never do, darling. Yes, that very much is the case. David Beckham still doesn’t have a clue that he’s married to her, does he?
One Night Only – Say You Don’t Want It
Everyone’s favourite sexy pageboy Emma Watson now, providing a riveting cameo in triply indie indie band One Night Only’s Say You Don’t Want It. Well, it was 2010, after all. Those kids got crazy back then. The video consists of her then boyfriend ‘Hasn’t bothered to google his name’ from One Night Only bumping into Emma Watson in the street and then walking around with her for a bit. But wait, the plot thickens. Just as you think the sexual chemistry between the pair can’t heat up the crevices in their skinny jeans any further – we reach the dramatic climax. Well, I won’t spoil it for you. OKAY, FINE. THEY’RE DOGS, ALRIGHT? THEY LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND THEY WERE DOGS ALL ALONG. FUCKING DOGS. Dogs.
Gary Barlow & Robbie Williams – Shame
Now, menopause is a terrible thing. A woman can start to feel bad about herself, feel a little bloated, lower sexual libido, etc. It’s an emotional time. However, does that make releasing a Brokeback Mountain style reunion music video with lustful mid-40s Take That members necessary? No, it does not. Just buy some watermelon flavoured lubricant,light some candles and get editing that Match.com bio, instead of pimping out Gary Barlow for your own perverse pleasures. Tsk.
Antony Costa – Do you Ever think of me
Woah, Antony. Mick Jagger called – he wants his sexual prowess, credible music career and talent back! Also, if your teenage son is suffering from an overbearing bout of wet dreams, just click to 2 minutes 10 seconds, and Antony will sort you out.
Olly Murs – Busy
Music video narrative: Olly Murs makes a papier mache woman and fucks her whilst wearing a jumper. Like Battleship Potemkin, but unsexier.
